My Most Outrageous Purchase...Ever

I pay all my own bills.  What I mean by that is that I work two jobs to make money, put that money in my account and then write checks that empty that same money out of that account.  My parents are the shit for a number of reasons, one of the most annoying being that they don't pay my bills for me.  My dad helps with the $150 I owe UVM every semester because it's not covered by my student loans/scholarships/grants.  But that's it.  The rest (i.e. rent, heat, electric, cable, food, gas, phone etc.)  Yeah, that's all me.  And I'm okay with that.  Don't get me wrong, it reeeeeeaaaaalllllllly sucks at the same time, but I know ultimately that whole "life lesson" thing is going to be "worth it."

Anyway, the whole point of my rambling comes to this: I'm broke.  And yet, last week, I did something I have never in my life done before.  I bought my first pair of high heels.  Now, you're either thinking one of two things:  1.  Who the fuck cares?  and/or 2.  How has a 21 year old girl/not yet a woman never owned a pair of heels?

I'm assuming those of you thinking "who the fuck cares?" are either dudes or just anyone who thinks heels are a ridiculous creation invented by men to make a woman's ass and legs appear smaller than they actually are.  And I really, truly and honestly agree with you.  Nonetheless, I would marry these fucking shoes if I could.   I mean... just look:

I know.  They're either so much better or just so, so, sooo much worse than you've been imagining.  Either way, I had been eying them at Macy's since Christmas, always with a mixture of admiration, awe and disdain.  I wanted them but why?  When the fuck would I ever wear these ridiculous things?

"I have no idea," I think to myself.  But I mean, I'm just trying them on for fun.  You know, give my friends a laugh.

"What size?"

"Eight, please."

They come in a box with Jessica Simpson's signature on it.  I loathe myself.  I open the box and I hear that fucking angelic "aaaaaa"that HBO uses before every show.  They were even more beautiful and absurd up close.  I slip my incredibly wide, un-pedicured, slightly smelly foot into the smooth, metallic shoe and holy shit, the shoe fits.  Perfectly.  I put the other one on and they compliment each other like two peas in a pod.

Then I stand up.  I nearly break my ass when I loose my balance but somehow manage to get my shit together just in enough time to play it off like I tripped over the box.  I cannot walk to save my life in them (but I'm practicing!) but when I see my disgusting feet all fancy and dressed up (with nowhere to go...sigh), I start reasoning with myself.

I've been working really hard.  I make a hundred dollars a night in cash money on the weekends when I waitress, plus my job at the museum...They're "on sale" for $69.99.  I mean, that doesn't really sound like they're on sale but I suppose it is quite a mark down from $140.

"Oh!  I have a 20% off coupon!" my friend Casey says to me.  (Yeah, I know Casey O'Reilly and Casey O'Connor- best friends since 5th grade, locker buddies all the way through high school- weird and irrelevant!)

"Ooo, I'm sorry but we can only accept those if you have a Macy's Rewards Card yourself, honey."

Damnit.  "Oh, I don't.  Um..."  I glance at Casey.  Those 5 seconds that I thought I'd be buying them for $14.00 less really solidified the idea in my mind.  Now that it was being immediately revoked, I wanted it more and was less willing to compromise.

I hesitate.

"Oh, well, shoot.  Those shoes just look too damn good on your feet not to buy them.  I can work something out for you, sweetie."  And my good friend Mike hooked a sista up and the shoes were MINE.

My roommates think I'm not only insane but also a HUGE whore for buying these shoes, assuming that at some point I actually wear them.  But I don't care.  I can't.  Because I love these shoes in all their ridiculous glory.  I don't ask that anyone love them, I just ask that no one judge.  Am I a pathetic example of just another consumer duped by the corporations that run this country?  Yep.  But I know it and I admit it, and that's more than most people can say.  Sorry... but I'm just not sorry.